Killing Oneself
by Moonlight M3lody
Summary: Because tomorrow she had to be First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye once again, the perfect, no-nonsense aide of her Colonel. But Riza Hawkeye was only human. .Post-chapter 16.Hints of Royai.


BANG! BANG! BANG!

It was a long day and she wanted nothing more but to see the little targets fall down with each of her shots. Her heart was bursting with so many things she was afraid she would explode, because she too, _Riza Hawkeye too_, was a mere human. Lately she had been forced to admit that more than necessary.

One day after Lt. Hughes' funeral, morale was low in their office. Everyone was devastated for different reasons so there was no point in trying to work. He was killed. They knew why. They were one step closer to the truth, but the price of said truth was beginning to inflate.

All of which had left Roy so broken and raw she wanted to hold his hands, let him cry all out, to comfort him...anything but watching him over the shoulders. She couldn't, because they would only regret doing that, because it would only make acting indifferent tomorrow more difficult. They had resorted to subtlety for years and there were not enough reason to ruin everything they worked so hard to build.

She let the heavy atmosphere hanging until he dismissed them at the end of the workday.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

They had different methods to cope with such feelings. He used to go with Lt. Colonel Hughes for alcohol, numbing his mind from thinking about anything until he was ready to face reality. This evening he had gone with the boys.

Because Hughes was no more, because he had lost his best friend and they had buried him yesterday and he was crying and she could do nothing but watching and—

BANG! BANG! BANG!

She declined, because alcohol made you loose-lipped and your brain light as a balloon. With her emotions rebelling to stay in check like this, she couldn't afford the risk. What would she do? What would she say without control to her very own body? She was his voice of reason. For him, she had to be strong.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

He had just lost his best friend. One he could confide in everything. One who knew about his dreams and worked hard to support him.

She was terrified for a while, imagining how she would feel if it was her Colonel in that casket, carted off to bury deep down in the belly of earth.

Then back again to the real image. Little Elysia Hughes asking for her father...How could they tell her, that poor thing...

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Shoot, reload. Rinse and repeat.

For her, the shooting range was her solace. She could pretend the targets were those ugly feelings gnawing her heart off, and shoot them to her heart's content. Revenge was one sweet treat.

She concentrated on the bull's eye.

She rarely had time to assess her own feelings, but in these rare moments she felt so dirty. Let them all out, she thought. No one else was there. She was alone with her demon. That tiny spark of anger when the women dared to touch him, to smile at him, to flutter their eyelashes at him (some of them were his sisters, their informants, but the others were lowly women who wanted a piece of fame)—those painful moments she had to see him 'reciprocate' his admirers' affections—but he had reputation to uphold, an outer persona he had to entertain in order to stay 'useless, good-for-nothing' Colonel in front of the others. Surprise attack was instrument in securing victory. She would not let her stray feeling being a hindrance.

Besides, she knew him more than she knew herself, and she understood which part of him was act and which was real to be somewhat prideful being the only one to receive that sincere smile of his.

So what if they couldn't show their feelings like normal couples? They were each other's, as definite as water in the ocean and stars in the sky.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

She hated being useless. With the direction their investigation was heading, alchemy had a prominent role in all this mess. She knew next to nothing about alchemy, nothing more but the basic theories and laws her father made her memorize long ago.

If she couldn't help with that, she had to be useful in another aspect.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

She shot 'Wrath' straight in the face.

Because love is sacrifice and they were doing this for the greater good and they didn't deserve to ask for happiness anyway because they were sinful —

BANG! BANG! BANG!

That should clear her mind. She had to stop with the stupid thoughts.

For Amestris. Her brain began conjuring the image of Elysia Hughes at his father's funeral again, followed by ten years old Winry Rockbell, Edward Elric on his wheelchair, childish wailing coming from Al's empty armor, and the rueful smile of Nina-chimera-Tucker. Right. For the future where children could live happily, where no such tragedies could even happen again.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

She emptied another round for 'Envy'. Another down.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

It'd take time, but tomorrow, First Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye would be back to the office, looking as sharp and punctual and businesslike. Back to their usual routine.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

For Amestris.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

For him.

* * *

A/N: Writing in the form of stream of consciousness is difficult. First time writing for FMA so I hope I got her character right.


End file.
